Pastors and church leaders must learn that keeping the peace is not the same as protecting the peace.
A sixth grader was picked on by a bully in P.E. You know the type: he wanted his way, expected others to give in, and intimidated them to get what he wanted. His reputation usually kept him from actually fighting, but he knew how to manipulate and frustrate anyone who refused to cooperate.
Every school seems to have one of these bullies. Students learn to avoid him, give in to keep him happy, or work around him. Eventually, however, someone has to stand up to him.
Here is something I have learned about churches: Some of those sixth-grade gym bullies grow up, put on their Sunday clothes, and appear in church.
They may not slam someone against a locker, but they sometimes insist on controlling the church’s music, groups and classes, committees, budget, personnel decisions, or some other area of congregational life.
Their vocabulary may have changed, but their objective is the same: they want things their way and are willing to make life difficult for anyone who stands in their way.
We call them church bullies.
When the Bully Hides in Plain Sight
Church bullies can be difficult to spot because they often have respectable reputations. They may be lifelong members, strong financial contributors, influential leaders, or faithful attendees. Some have served the church for decades or possess gifts and expertise the congregation desperately needs.
The problem is not their position, personality, or opinions. Churches need people who care deeply, speak honestly, and lead. The difficulty arises when a person’s desire to serve becomes a demand to control.
A church bully may believe his passion for a ministry entitles him to control it indefinitely. She may assume that because she has taught a class in the same room for twenty years, no one should change its direction without her approval. A team member may believe his financial contributions give him exclusive influence. A ministry volunteer may oppose any new idea that does not originate with them.
Sometimes the message is: “If you don’t do it my way, I’ll quit.” More subtly, the person may withdraw support, enlist allies, spread criticism, question the pastor’s motives, or threaten to take several families to another church. The tactic is familiar: Give me what I want, or I’ll make you pay.
Every disagreement is not bullying. Churches will have legitimate debates over methods, priorities, budgets, staffing, and ministry direction. A true church bully exhibits a pattern of intimidation, manipulation, retaliation, or coercion to get others to let him have his way.
A disagreement deserves a hearing. Bullying requires a response.
Why Church Bullies Keep Winning the Battles
Since bullies are so disruptive and destructive, why do churches tolerate them?
Sometimes leaders fear losing an influential member. They worry about a financial slump, a family with deep roots leaving, or a church split. Sometimes a pastor simply does not have the energy for another battle. Others have come to believe that being a loving Christian means never confronting another person’s behavior.
In these cases, the bully gets what he wants. The pastor accommodates him. The committee refuses to make a difficult decision. Church members remain silent. A ministry becomes the private turf of one person rather than a shared responsibility. Over time, the congregation organizes itself around the bully’s preferences. Leaders avoid decisions. Gifted volunteers drop out. The pastor spends more energy managing one difficult person than leading the church toward its mission. All this occurs to appease the bully who may even believe he is protecting the church while only protecting his own territory.
When a church allows one person’s intimidation to determine its direction, it surrenders more than a ministry; it surrenders its mission.
When Silence Isn’t an Option for Pastors
Remember the sixth grader’s dilemma: eventually a person facing a bully must decide if the discomfort of confrontation is greater than the cost of continued submission. Pastors face a similar decision.
Standing up to a church bully does not mean being combative, insulting from the pulpit, or aggressive in a business meeting. It does not mean assuming the pastor is always right or labeling everyone who disagrees as a troublemaker. It means having the courage to address destructive behavior rather than accommodating it.
Here are several principles that can help:
1. Call the behavior by its real name.
Leaders cannot address a problem they refuse to acknowledge. If someone constantly intimidates volunteers, undermines leaders, or threatens disruption whenever a decision is not the one they prefer, do not dismiss this as simply a strong personality. Examine the pattern of behavior. What has happened? Who has been affected? Is this an isolated disagreement, or is someone consistently using pressure and fear to manipulate outcomes? Be fair and gather facts from all sides, making sure not to confuse an unpopular opinion with abusive behavior. If a pattern becomes clear, have the courage to call it what it is.
Avoiding the word bullying may sometimes be wise when speaking directly to a person, but avoiding the underlying problem is not.
2. Stand unshakable—never bargain with intimidation
A person, or even a group, might say, “If you don’t do this, I’ll take my family and leave.” This statement can be frightening, particularly in a smaller church, but if a pastor reverses a good, sound ministry decision to keep a person from leaving, the church learns that threats work. The next disagreement will likely produce another threat.
A better response could be: “We value you and want you and your family involved in the life of our church, but ministry decisions must be made according to our church’s biblical convictions, established responsibilities, and agreed-upon processes instead of through threats or pressure.”
Of course, the person is free to disagree and to decide whether to remain involved. The threat, however, cannot become the governing principle of the church. You can love someone without surrendering leadership to them.
You can love someone without surrendering leadership to them.
3. Define clear roles, limits, and ownership.
Church bullies thrive where responsibilities are unclear. If no one knows who makes decisions, supervises a ministry, or how disagreements should be resolved, the most forceful person may end up in charge.
Healthy churches establish clear expectations. Who is responsible for each ministry? Who appoints those leaders? What decisions belong to committees, teams, staff, deacons, or the congregation? What process should be followed when someone raises a concern? Each church should answer these questions according to its biblical convictions and polity. Clear structures protect everyone, including the pastor, from decisions being determined by whoever can create the most discomfort.
4. Start the hard conversation anyway.
Matthew 18:15-17 provides an important principle for addressing personal offenses: when appropriate, first speak directly with the person.
A pastor or church leader might say: “I want to talk with you because I value you and want our church to be healthy. I have noticed a pattern in which disagreements about this ministry have led to threats, criticism of other leaders, and pressure to reverse decisions. We need to discuss that. You are welcome to express concerns, and we will listen. But we cannot allow intimidation to determine how this ministry operates.”
Be specific. Describe observed behaviors and do not attack someone’s character. Explain what occurred, why it is not acceptable, and what needs to change. When appropriate, have another trusted leader present as a witness and document important conversations. If there are threats, abuse, harassment, or significant safety concerns, follow relevant safeguarding and reporting procedures rather than relying on a private conversation alone. The goal is not to humiliate the person, but to make the behavior impossible to ignore.
5. Lead side by side, stronger together.
A pastor may have difficulty standing up to a powerful church member, and it will be more difficult if other leaders remain silent. When appropriate leadership bodies agree on healthy processes and follow them consistently, the bully loses the ability to isolate people and divide leaders. This requires unity around biblical principles, not blind loyalty to the pastor.
Pastors, staff members, deacons, committees, and other leaders must be willing to identify and address harmful behavior fairly, despite someone’s position or influence, and to hold one another accountable. A pastor can be a bully, too. Spiritual authority does not give anyone permission to intimidate, manipulate, or demand unquestioning loyalty. The standard must be the same for everyone.
6. Remember: keeping the peace is not the same as making it.
This may be the most difficult lesson of all. Some pastors avoid confrontation because they want peace. They do not want people to leave, divide the congregation, or accuse them of causing trouble.
There is a great difference between avoiding all conflict and pursuing reconciliation. Peacekeeping asks, “What can I do to keep from upsetting this person?” Peacemaking asks, “What must we do to pursue what is right and godly, restore healthy relationships, and protect the mission of our church?”
Sometimes peacemaking requires tough conversations or removing someone from a leadership position. In serious cases, it may require formal church discipline or other action consistent with Scripture and church polity.
Grace must prevail, but forgiveness does not mean pretending harmful behavior never occurred. Grace does not eliminate accountability, and unity does not require the church to submit to the demands of the most demanding person in the room. Biblical love seeks the good of the person who is behaving wrongly as well as the good of those being harmed.
Who’s Really Watching in the Crowd?
In the sixth-grade gym, the bully’s power extends far beyond the person he targets. Other students watch and learn who can be challenged and who must be avoided. They learn to remain silent, and their silence unintentionally reinforces the bully’s influence.
Churches have bystanders, too. They see what is happening and say nothing. They know a volunteer has been mistreated, but they do not want to be involved. They hear criticism and rumors but remain silent to avoid being the next target.
Church leaders must help congregations understand that refusing to participate in gossip, speaking truthfully about harmful conduct, supporting those who have been mistreated, and following appropriate accountability processes are part of a healthy church culture. Members should not polarize, spread rumors, or launch campaigns against the bully; that only replicates the same unhealthy behavior under a different banner. Instead, the congregation must develop a culture of commitment to honesty, respect, accountability, and mission. Bullies thrive when people are isolated and afraid. Healthy churches make it possible for people to speak honestly without fear of retaliation.
When Shepherds Are Weary of War
If you are a pastor dealing with this issue, I want to encourage you. You are not failing because someone is angry with you. You are not automatically wrong because an influential member disagrees with you. You are not being unloving because you establish a boundary.
You are called to shepherd the whole flock, not to surrender the flock’s health and safety to the demands of one person. Peter instructed church elders to shepherd God’s people willingly and eagerly, “not for shameful gain” and not by domineering over those entrusted to them, but by being examples to the flock (1 Peter 5:2–3). That standard rules out abusive leadership, whether it comes from the pulpit or the pew.
The apostle Paul also urged the church to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Truth without love may become harshness. Love without truth may become cowardice disguised as kindness. Pastoral leadership requires both. Pray for the person. Examine your heart. Be sure your response is proportionate, fair, and biblically grounded. Seek counsel from trusted leaders outside the immediate conflict when necessary. And do not let fear of someone’s reaction keep you from shepherding as God would have you shepherd. Your responsibility is not to control every outcome but to lead faithfully.
The Church Matters Too Much to Be Taken Hostage
The church belongs to Christ. Every position of leadership is a matter of responsible stewardship. If someone holds a ministry or church hostage, the issue is bigger than a personality conflict; it affects the church’s ability to fulfill its calling.
Pastors, remember the sixth-grade gym bully. The answer was never to become another bully, but to stop treating intimidation as an acceptable way to lead. Churches need gracious but courageous leaders who will listen patiently, disagree respectfully, establish appropriate boundaries, and confront destructive behavior without losing their love for the people involved.
The mission of the church is too important, and the people of God are too precious, to let the bullies run the place. The church should be a place where people encounter the grace of Jesus Christ.
